The Deep Longing Inside of Us All

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My Worry-filled Path

We all have one you know the thing inside of us we chase after, only to never seem to catch it. It is a deep longing for something greater, than what we currently are. I don’t know how else to describe it. Except for maybe a nagging notion or gnawing sensation burning in your inner most being. I used to think I knew what mine was, to be a preacher, a pastor, anunder shepherd of God’s people. That was until about five or six months ago, and then something just hit me out of the blue.

I love to write and to speak into peoples lives. I was left pondering “Am I still called to be a pastor especially considering my health”, (for those who don’t know I have pretty severe Fibromyalgia). Then I read this awesome book by Jeff Goins about finding your calling, whatever it may be. And it has left me with more questions than answers at this point. I have cried out to God, but feel as though I can’t quite make out what he is saying.

I have a passion for God’s Word, and preaching/teaching it. When I am preaching it is one of the only times I don’t notice my pain as much. As little children we are given the impression someday we will be hit with a lightning bolt and know instantly what we are going to do with our lives. Jeff argues this is not the case, after reading his book I kind of agree with him. He believes it is a series of events or moments which help us to understand what our calling truly is.

Let’s take a look at something which stands out to me. Look at some biblical characters and see if they knew there calling from and early age. Noah didn’t know he was going to be an ark builder as a child; Peter, James and John started out as fisher-men and ended up as itinerant preachers. Paul could have probably been a lawyer after studying under Gamilel. He ended up a tent maker and evangelist.

My point being is some of the most prominent men of the Bible thought they were going to live life one way and it ended up going in a different direction. Lord knows my life has been a series of twist and turns. I started out as a cook, who went to community college for photography/graphic design (I was better at the former). I helped run a graphics company with my best friend, and later ended up doing photography for a large national company. I had felt after coming to Christ in August 2002 I was called to be a pastor, so in the spring of 2010 I enrolled in Liberty University Online and pursued my Bachelors in Religious Studies. I graduated Magna Cum Laude, thought I would find work (didn’t happen), so I have gone back to get my Master’s of Divinity in Pastoral Leadership.

While being in process of pursing my degree, I have this ache that maybe I am called to do something different. Charles Spurgeon has been credited with saying, “If you can do anything other than preach, do it instead!” This is my conundrum. At one point all I ever dreamt of doing was being a preacher/pastor, now I want to reach people through my writing. I know the two are not diametrically opposed, but I just don’t know which one to pursue more.

The Ultimate Goal

My ultimate goal is to be used for the glory of God, how it comes about I am just not sure yet. I have a few friends who in similar boats as me. They are on one career path but feel as though they may be called to something different. It is not easy to give up on what you have worked so hard for, to chase after something and it may not pan out. I am scared,but I don’t know if its of failing at the right thing or succeeding at the wrong one.

All I can do right now is sit back and do what I think is the right thing, which is to continue to finish my degree, and build my blog with the hopes it is making a difference in the life of someone. One thing I do know is this summer my wife and I will be going on a mission trip to Haiti to help dear friends do ministry down there. If you would like to know more about our efforts please contact me or them. We are still short on funds and if you would like to help us reach our goal it would be greatly appreciated.

If you have made it this far thanks for sticking with me. I hope we can help each other fulfill those longings (outside of the hearts longing for Christ that is).

God Bless,

Paul

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